


Between Iron and Silver

by whosays_penultimate



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Bittersweet, Lots of dialogue, M/M, Mutual Pining, Resolved Sexual Tension, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 22:29:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15672558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whosays_penultimate/pseuds/whosays_penultimate
Summary: All the things they didn't say along the way, and some of the things they did.





	Between Iron and Silver

**Author's Note:**

> This story is for Liz who (unwillingly, lol) inspired this fic with one of her comments. I am leaving this story unlocked because she doesn’t have an AO3 account, so don’t bother leaving a comment asking me to lock it. Thanks for understanding!
> 
> Also please read the following before proceeding:  
> RPF DISCLAIMER: This fictional story is not intended as disrespectful in any way to the real people who inspired it and is entirely the product of my imagination.
> 
> In other words, I really enjoyed writing this, so I hope you guys like reading it!

Brian brushed down his Team Spain jacket a little self-consciously. The jacket was new and the material felt a little stiff around the elbows, stretching uncomfortably over his puffy sweater. He was standing rinkside, watching his new student, Javier Fernandez, who coincidentally also felt stiff and uncomfortable, if for different reasons.

“It’s digging into my nuts, Brian”, he whispered as he came to the boards. “And also _itchy_! I just wanna rip it to shreds!”

“Not yet”, Brian deadpanned, “you might get disqualified if you do it now.”

“Haha, very funny...”

They were talking about the dancer belt which Javier was wearing. He had forgotten his own back in Toronto and had to buy one last minute from a local shop. It was a little too tight, but under the circumstances, beggars couldn’t be choosers. Neither Brian nor Javier were willing to risk the judges deducting points for any underwear lines being visible through the costume.

“I still think we should’ve just had mine sent from Toronto, it’s not that far...”, Javier said, mournfully.

“No use whinging about it now”, Brian cut him off testily. “You just gotta make do. Be lucky it’s nothing worse, like an injury.”

“Nothing worse? Brian, this is torture...”

“Don’t be a baby, just deal with it. I’ve worn plenty of uncomfortable things in my life too, I know how it is.”

“Really?” Javier scoffed.

“Yeah....really”, Brian mimicked back at him. “Like I said, better than an injury. Now listen to me, you have to stay focused. You can’t afford mistakes.”

Javier adjusted himself through the costume and grimaced, leaving Brian to wonder whether it was a reaction to his words or to the itchiness in his private parts. Another skater whizzed past them and Brian continued, lowering his voice:

“Your competition at this event is fierce, including the nation’s darling. And they all wanna make the Final.”

Javier affixed his sight on a red maple leaf adorning the boards, and nodded morosely.

“I know.”

“Just trust your training”, Brian added, more gently. “It will get you there.”

Javier skated off for the remaining few moments of the warm-up, and Brian watched him go anxiously. He was acutely aware of his student’s discomfort, even though he had downplayed it in their conversation – so much so that he himself felt itchy all over. He loosened his tie – why did he also wear a tie today, on top of everything. Finally, he decided to take his jacket off, and did so, half-guiltily. In his mind he had already started preparing himself for a potential disaster. _Well, if he doesn’t qualify, there’s that. Maybe it will even be a lesson to him to take practice and everything else more seriously. Everything is a joke to this boy, he takes it all so easy, it makes me mad for his wasted talent._

He needn’t have worried. Brian sweated and agonized throughout Javier’s program way more than Javier himself – who skated with charming nonchalance and impeccable technique to secure a well-deserved first place after the short program.

When they finally had some privacy, Brian wasted no words congratulating Javier for skating so well under these unfortunate circumstances.

“Eh, I may have exaggerated a little before”, Javier said, rubbing at his neck with a roguish smile. “It actually didn’t feel that bad, after a while, and I got used to it... By the time it was my turn to skate, it was okay. I was so happy to finally feel comfortable, that I even forgot about nerves.”

Brian shook his head, half amused, half exasperated.

“Silly child”, he said with a big grin. “So proud of you, Javi. So proud.”

The second day, Brian wore a purple tie which matched Javier’s dark purple outfit, and a red flower on his lapel. His boy was nervous. Brian was only stopped from biting his fingernails by the cameras who had a penchant for finding him at the most inopportune moments.

He watched his student skate to silver, and several enthusiastic hugs and gifts from the audience, having made a few mistakes throughout an otherwise charming program. Well, Brian thought it was charming, anyway. It was still a victory, and a place in the Grand Prix Final. The Canadian anthem played that day, but Brian couldn’t care less. He was inwardly singing along to a different song, heard earlier during open practice, which had promptly got stuck in head, perversely filling his brain with the happy-go lucky refrain:

_“I know that it’s gonna take some time, I’ve got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind, This might end up like it should, I’m starting to believe that this could be the start of something good.”_

~

“I remind you of yourself, don’t I?” Javier asked Brian once, seemingly apropos of nothing.

It was much later in the same season – a promising beginning had turned into crashed hopes at Europeans and Worlds.

“Don’t be ridiculous”, Brian scoffed. ‘I was way better’, he was about to foolishly joke, but stopped himself in time. Javier didn’t need to hear that, not now, when he was struggling with his own demons of inadequacy.

“It’s okay if I do”, Javier went on, unexpectedly. “I don’t mind, you know.”

A gentle smile, with just a hint of naughty in the way Javier curled his lips and his eyes sparkled playfully.

Brian tried to pull himself together.

“I just think”, Javier continued, “you always want so badly for me to do good....”

Brian frowned.

“Do you mean to say, that I use your achievements to compensate for what some would call my less than perfect skating career?” he said, sarcastically, using big words for greater effect.

Javier’s smile faded immediately, as he started to shake his head.

“Or do you think so little of yourself”, Brian continued, “that you believe you’re undeserving of being supported for your own sake?”

He watched the corners of Javier’s mouth turn down unhappily, as his student assumed the look of a scolded child.

“No, Brian, of course not, I didn’t mean it like _that_....,” he protested, disconsolately.

Brian suddenly realized, with a sinking feeling, that was an unlikely mix of excitement, fear, and resigned sadness, that he was still staring at Javier’s lips, and that he wanted very badly to kiss him. This was bad for several reasons, he reflected, tearing his gaze away, and licking his own lips self-consciously. Not only wrong for Brian to take advantage of his position and do something like this to his, by all intents and purposes, straight student. But also because such feelings could only mellow him towards Javier, and Javier didn’t need a mellow, starry-eyed coach right now. He needed someone stern and brutally honest, who wouldn’t cut him any slack. With a sigh, Brian forced himself to think of Javier’s wasted potential, of his being late and unspeakably lazy, of his little white lies whenever he wanted to get out of doing something he disliked.

“Listen to me carefully, Javier. I was hired by your Federation to make you a champion”, Brian said, coolly. “And this is exactly what I’m going to do. Even if you fight me all the way to an Olympic medal. Yes, I did say an Olympic medal”, Brian went on, as Javier’s eyes lit up incredulously, “because I do believe you have it in you to get there. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother, I wouldn’t waste my time on your lazy ass. So here’s what you need to do, boy. You have to get yourself in line with my expectations. You arrive on practice when I say, you practice for as long as I say – you do exactly what I ask you to do, no more, no less. I’ve been lenient with you for far too long and this is the result. From now on I’ll be watching you like an overprotective mom.” 

A grin broke over Javier’s face, despite himself, on hearing Brian’s last words.

“Ah, you think I’m joking?” Brian said. “I’m going to draw up a set of rules right now, for you to follow.”

“Well, you already scold me like my mom”, Javier said, cheekily. “What are those rules?”

“And you haven’t heard the half of it. The most important rule: be on time for practice. If you’re late on arrival, you’ll have to stay later, to make up for it. The second: at least three clean runthroughs per day-“

“But Brian”, Javier interrupted, “if I stay late, that means that you’ll have to stay late as well!” Javier grinned, happy to have spotted a loophole.

Brian sighed long-sufferingly:

“That’s right, and my partner will be worried about me and my dinner will get cold. Ah, such is life...”

“Ooooh Brian, now you play dirty, no?”

Brian shrugged innocently. Javier laughed briefly, but then turned abruptly serious. He looked down at his hands, frowning, and Brian was momentarily afraid that he had gone too far. But then Javier looked up at him, and said earnestly, with a small smile that Brian would never tire of seeing:

“Brian, you’re the best coach I ever had.”

After everything that had happened to him in his life, Brian’s heart was hardened, but it was not made of steel. It leapt up and beat faster, pumped up with surprise and joy. Brian was sure his feelings were painted all over his features as he reached out and squeezed Javier’s fingers in a silent thank-you.

~

“Hey, Javi...c’mere, sit, sit down for a minute.”

“Are you sure, Brian? I was pretty late today and...”

“....”

“I kinda took advantage because you were away, haha!”

Brian’s heart squeezed with something like pain, seeing Javier’s open laugh.

“Right”, he said, trying to summon his stern face.

“...You look really serious”, Javier said, studying him carefully. “Did anything happen?”

“Yeah, that’s actually what I want to talk to you about.”

Javier paled and came off the ice, putting his skate guards on without another word. He followed Brian like a puppy, as the latter moved off, preoccupied.

“Look”, he finally ventured, “I promise it’s not going to happen again. Please.”

Brian stared at him, bewildered.

“What?” he asked, not understanding.

“Me....being late”, Javier explained, at a rush. “You said if it happened again, you were gonna wash your hands of me, and send me back to Spain, but, I _promise_ -“

Brian gave a short laugh.

“Javi, breathe, it’s not that. I mean, obviously I’d rather you stopped being late for practice, but I might as well ask the sun not to shine. There’s something else though, something I want to ask you about. So relax and hear me out.”

He took Javier’s arm and led him to the bench. Javier closed his eyes briefly in relief, and allowed himself to be led.

“So here’s the thing”, Brian started, “I received a proposal for a possible collaboration, except the contact wouldn’t say who it was, instead they asked me to come to Tokyo to discuss it if I was interested....”

“All the way to Tokyo?” Javier reacted. “Couldn’t they have just....skyped you?”

“They gave me the name and room number of a hotel in Tokyo and said that because of the utmost secrecy of the matter, it could only happen like this. I myself wondered why and was pretty uneasy about the whole thing, but I ended up going.”

“Really, Brian!” Javier said, eyes wide. “You had the guts to go to some hotel room halfway across the world, and didn’t even know who you were gonna be meeting? And you call me reckless! Weren’t you scared you were gonna end up in a bathtub full of ice without a kidney?” Javier asked, eyes wide.

“...Without a _kidney,_ yes thank you, Javier, that hasn’t actually crossed my mind.  Anyway, long story short –“

“Oh, no way, you gotta tell me everything in detail, this is so exciting!” Javier interrupted.

“I’m too tired for bedtime stories, I’ve just flew in. Maybe some other time. The thing you need to know now is that Yuzuru Hanyu of Japan wants to train with us here. So...what do you say?” He looked at Javier carefully.

Javier made a nervous evasive gesture, avoiding Brian’s gaze.

“Well, I mean, if he’s coming here....”

“Nothing is decided yet”, Brian cut him off. “I told them I have to talk it over with you.”

Javier lifted his eyes, so bewildered he looked almost frightened, like a deer caught in the headlights. Brian almost flinched from the full intensity of Javier’s stare directed at him. Javier’s eyes were beautiful and too close, big and shining with some unidentified emotion.

“Your decision, Brian, you’re the coach....”, he said.

“My decision,” Brian agreed, “but I want to make sure that you are okay with it, and I want you to be honest with me. We know each other well enough for that, right?”

“For what?” Javier asked, quietly.

“....Honesty.”

“Of course, Brian, I’m honest. I don’t mind anyone coming here to train”, Javier said softly.

Brian looked him over, trying to decipher his body language.

“Are you absolutely sure, Javi? I know this was one of your issues with your former coach.”

Javier gave a dry humourless laugh.

“Don’t compare yourself with _that guy_ , Bri, you’re nothing like _that guy._ ”

“Right”, Brian said. “But if you’re feeling uncomfortable by me coaching someone who’s close to your level-“

“I’m just – I can’t believe you actually _asked_ me. You could’ve just gone ahead and said yes, I can’t believe you actually came to ask if I was okay with it. I’m very touched. And grateful. And I _am_ okay with it, Brian, believe me. I know that no matter what happens, you’re never gonna treat me like leftovers.”

“Like leftovers?” Brian raised his voice, enraged, “is that how Morozov made you feel?”

Javier shrugged.

“I don’t think about it anymore, it’s over now.”

“Right”, Brian repeated, a little gruffly, to mask any oncoming tears. He was really tired, and that made him overly emotional, but everything was just too much, Javier was just too much and his heart was full to burst. “I want you to know, Javi, that you never have to worry about me neglecting you,” he said, feelingly.

“I know,” Javier said, softly.

Brian shook himself back into coach mode.

“Now, on the ice with you, make up for lost time!”

~

“What do you think about Yuzuru?” Brian asked.

“He’s good”, Javier answered.

“Of course he is. Did you doubt it?”

“Seeing him skate before? Nah.”

“He came here for you.”

Javier laughed self-deprecatingly.

“No, he didn’t.”

“He told me that”, Brian insisted. “at our first meeting. He looks up to you. So you better live up to it, Javi.”

“Thanks, Brian, that’s no pressure at all!”

“You need a bit of pressure. I’m still being too soft on you”, Brian smiled, smiling as he said it, because they both knew it wasn’t true. He was hounding Javier exactly like he had promised, mingling threats and rewards, jokes and motivational speeches, exhausting himself more than Javier did on ice. The two of them had become fast friends off ice, hanging out with each other, but that never put a dent in Brian’s coach mode during practices.

Javier was skating around Brian aimlessly.

“What does he want from me, Bri?” and Brian blinked - for a second he had forgotten they were talking about Yuzuru. “I don’t like it when people have high expectations of me, I always mess up!”

“Don’t see it like that, Javi. Look at it this way, he’s a kid and he’s come all the way here to learn. He sees in you someone he can measure up against. This is exciting!”

“Sure”, Javier smiled uncertainly. He rubbed at his thigh, frowning.

“I really think this kid will be good for you. Hey, are you having pain there, what’s wrong?”

“Nah.... Well, a little, maybe, yeah. Could just be nervous pain.”

“ _A little, maybe_?” Brian mimicked him. “ _Nervous_ pain?”

“Yeah, like ghost pain, you know? When you think it hurts, but it’s actually just the stress and the –“

“When did you take your psych degree? Go see your physical therapist - _now_.”

 

~

Brian didn’t need to read the papers to know that Javier had put his foot in it this time. It was written on everyone’s faces in the aftermath of that fateful interview. Tracy had accosted him straight from the entrance, with a serious look, pulling him into a back office.

“Now, Brian, before you say anything to him, please be aware that he regrets it – immensely!”

“Uhh?” Brian reacted, confused.

“He didn’t even say those exact words, they misinterpreted everything! The whole thing is done to make him look bad! And of course, get clicks for their stupid article!”

“Tracy, Tracy-“, Brian interrupted, with a hand up. “ _Who_ and _what_ on earth are you talking about?”

She stopped her frantic pacing, and regarded him, surprised.

“Oh... _Oh._ You don’t _know_?”

Brian shrugged his shoulders, the very picture of clueless confusion.

“...Damn”, Tracy reacted. “I was hoping I didn’t have to be the one to break it to you.”

Brian, however, did not react with shock and outrage at the sight of the unfortunate article. He merely rubbed at an eyebrow, thoughtfully.

“Well....this is probably gonna blow over... _Hopefully_.”

“You think?” Tracy said. “I don’t wanna play the devil’s advocate, but the timing is so unfortunate... right before the Olympics....”, she trailed off, shaking her head and sighing.

“There has to be a way to contain this. Maybe Javi can issue a formal apology.”

Tracy nodded.

“Well, not an apology, because this sounds like an admission of guilt. A clarification.”

“Mmhm.”

“Hell, we can even sue the bastards! Can we....sue the bastards?”

“...I don’t think so, Brian.”

“Yeah....I didn’t think so either.”

“Look, the absolute worst thing about this is the effect it’s gonna have on Javi. We must do our best to protect him, until the Olympics, and afterwards, until it does blow over.”

“Gotcha, Trace. I’ll be the overprotective mom to your overprotective ... other mom. We’ll pull him through this.”

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re not taking this the wrong way, Brian!” Tracy said, with a relieved smile.

“Why should I?” Brian said. “I know he didn’t mean it.”

Brian looked for his errant student everywhere but he was nowhere to be found. Everyone confirmed that he had in fact arrived for practice, but no one could locate him. Brian set off on a search, and eventually found him in the locker room.

“Oh, there you are. Are you hiding from me, young man? Now tell me what possessed you to say those – Are you crying, Javi?... God...”

Javier gulped heavily when he saw Brian come inside the locker room, and rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. He was indeed crying with big, messy tears, his face all red, his eyes bloodshot. Brian’s heart broke at the picture of helpless misery that Javier presented, and suddenly nothing else mattered except Javi being okay – nothing, not even an Olympic medal.

“Brian!” Javier hiccuped, amid sobs. “Brian, I’m sorry! You have to believe me, when I read it I felt _sick_! I didn’t mean it like _that!_ They made it sound much, much worse...I only meant-”

Javier was frantic, stumbling on his words, and Brian couldn’t take it anymore. He knew better than anyone that this was bad - once the media planted a controversial story, it could ruin someone’s career, it could follow them their entire lives. He dreaded it happening to Javier and, like Tracy, he cursed the timing of this unfortunate business.

In two steps, Brian had reached Javier, and took him firmly into his arms.

“Shh, Javi, I know you couldn’t have meant anything bad”, he said, soothingly, over Javier’s frantic babbling. “I know you better than anyone. Come on, settle down, Javi. It’s alright. We’ll get through this.”

“They made it sound so horrible”, Javier echoed miserably, clutching Brian to him.

Brian tightened his grip and started caressing Javier’s curls in an attempt to comfort him. Javier sniffed.

“Wait so....wait –“, Javier pulled back slightly, so he could look at Brian, “so you’re not mad? I was so afraid, that you’d get mad at me and not want to coach me anymore! I was afraid I ruined everything and that you’d hate me”, he confessed, blushing, tears springing again into his eyes. “That’s what I was afraid of, most of all.”

Brian gently pulled him back down and continued to hold him close.

“Why would I be mad at you?” he asked, trying to keep his tone light.

“Just let me explain”, Javier’s voice came, muffled by his tears and Brian’s sweater. “I wanna explain, Bri.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to. I _have to_.”

Brian reluctantly allowed Javier to pull back, and looked into his tear-stained face, affording him all his focused attention. Javier coughed and wiped his nose with his sleeve. Brian rolled his eyes and looked around for some tissues. Yuzuru’s Pooh tissue box was lying on a bench, and Brian picked it up and thrust it under Javier’s nose. Javier barked out a laugh, and helped himself to a few tissues, blowing his nose. Brian gave a small smile as he replaced the Pooh on the bench, then sat down as well.

“Sit, Javi”, he prompted, patting the seat next to him.

Javier hesitated for a beat, but then joined Brian on the bench. He looked down at his hands, as he fiddled with the tissue.

“I meant it like... we shouldn’t try to create more hate and more bad feeling... we should just do the thing we came to do, and that is skate. I didn’t mean people should change. I didn’t mean it’s bad to be.....gay. I just meant....maybe sometimes it’s also dangerous. Maybe sometimes people can be not so obvious, no?”

Brian gave Javier a long look, the ‘we’ not being lost on him. There were a lot of things he wanted to say, but in the end, he merely nodded quietly:

“I understand.”

“Why are journalists such jerks, Bri?” Javier sobbed. “They’re always jerks with me, I can’t take it anymore!”

“Not just with you, Javi. Don’t take it personally. It’s purely professional. The bigger the scandal, the bigger the story. Best thing to do is ignore it.”

“Oh yeah? So you could ignore it? When they wrote trash about you?”

“God, no. I was crying into my pillow every night”, Brian said, and meant it. “What exactly did you tell those people? Do you remember?”

“I may have said something like, if we’re the guests there, and they have these laws, then I guess people have to keep quiet to avoid problems  while they’re there...”

Brian actually laughed.

“I see. You oppose going against the grain, out of some basic, civilised notion of politeness.”

“Against the....?” Javier frowned. He didn’t know the expression.

“Ah, it means – it can mean several things actually, but here I used it to mean, against what’s generally considered acceptable, practiced in general. Although, if I’m to believe my friends, there are plenty of gay people in Russia. But like you said, there are also those laws and those political issues. It’s curious though, about you.”

“What?” Javier startled.

Brian gave him a meaningful look.

“Well, you’ve been going against the grain, so to speak, your whole life. Don’t you realize it?” _You’ve been saying ‘we’ this whole time._

Javier paled a little, and shook his head faintly, from one side to another. Brian stared at him intently for a second more, but then took pity on him, and followed up with:

“You chose to pursue figure skating, when in your country, soccer is the king of sports. You stood up for yourself when people picked on you for this. You left your country and went off to follow your dream, even when sometimes it appeared to be more of a nightmare. You became depressed, discouraged, but you did not give up, you kept going, you changed things, and now, here we are – _here we are_.”

Brian forgot himself for a moment and took Javier’s face in his hands, looking him deep in the eye.

“We’re so close, Javi. It’s in our reach. An Olympic medal. You can do it, Javi. I know you can. Show them what you’re made of. Show _me_.”

Javier squeezed his eyes shut, tears escaping, and nodded.

“Thank you, Brian, I – Thank you. Yes. Yes, _I will_.”

 

But it wasn’t to be.

Brian never got to ask Javier what made his programs so riddled with mistakes, having completed so many clean runthroughs in practice –  when he was, arguably, in peak form, technical and artistic. Had it been the pressure from his own country and federation – all their hopes hanging on a single man, who never did well faced with high expectations? Or was he still haunted by that article, the aftermath of which was still making itself known from time to time, with bitter insidious remarks on his social media when one least expected it? Brian didn’t think it was very relevant to ask why, in the aftermath of it all. What’s done is done. And he was acutely conscious of the fact that no small blame lay on himself.

Javier skated his short at the Olympics to enthusiastic support from Brian and Yuzuru, and even the crowd. There was disappointment painted all over his face in the kiss and cry. Brian, wearing a brand new Team Spain jacket, in fetching red and which felt stiffer than ever, hugged him warmly and repeated to him that “it’s fine, we’re still in the races.” Javier, unsmiling, was avoiding his eyes.

“This is fine”, Brian said once more, as if to persuade himself, acutely conscious that his nerves were showing and his palms were sweaty.

Javier still wasn’t looking at him.

“It’s not bad, not bad”, Brian repeated, like a broken record, when the scores showed up. “Tomorrow, we’re gonna come out all guns blazing.”

Javier merely nodded absently.

Everything went marvelous with the long program up until a point and Brian almost allowed himself to breathe – but then, unexpectedly, everything seemed to fall apart. Javier tripled the quad sal, even though he had previously managed a beautiful one in combination, and that’s when everything started to go downhill. He went on to make one mistake after another – and to top it off, the very worst: repeating the tripled salchow, which rendered it invalid. Brian could’ve slapped himself for not ensuring a back-up plan in case Javier fucked up his quad sal. Brian hugged Javier, and went off to be there for Yuzuru, who was next to skate. He knew it was over for Javi even before he saw the score.

Brian went to look for Javier, much later, when he was relieved from his duties of coach to the Olympic gold medallist, because he felt he should apologize to Javier for his part in the disaster.

Javier opened the door for Brian wearing socks and cozy-looking flannels. His glasses were perched on top of his nose, and his curls were messy. He looked younger than his age, his face pale and drawn. He sniffed when he saw Brian, and nodded, but otherwise didn’t react. Brian stood there silently, until Javier finally moved aside from the doorway and motioned him in.

Brian came in and sat down in a chair, sighing heavily and wondering how to begin.

“Javi....I want to apologize,” he started a little formally.

Javier looked startled.

“Apologize? Why?” he asked.

Javier’s voice was slightly rough, and Brian realized he had been crying. Brian felt like an idiot. He looked down, contrite and uncertain, and his gaze fell on Javier’s fluffy socks. The whole scene suddenly felt too intimate to Brian, more so than when they were going out to restaurants together, or even going swimming at his lake house. He tried to gather his thoughts.

“I should have.....It was my job to have a back-up for when you potentially missed the quad salchow-“

“You couldn’t have known I’d miss it. And I didn’t miss it – I _tripled_ it.”

“Exactly – which was salvageable. I should have foreseen this and advised you that if this happens, replace the last triple sal with a triple toe-“

“Not your fault. My own fault for not thinking to do this.”

Brian shook his head decisively.

“It’s not your job to think about these things, Javi. It’s mine, as your coach.”

“Yuzu wouldn’t have made this mistake.”

“Comparing yourself to Yuzu is useless. You’re nothing like each other. Your strengths lie in different places.”

Javier shook his head and smiled weakly, as if to say ‘yeah right.’

“I don’t blame you, Brian”, he finally said, sounding defeated. "I only have myself to blame.”

“Javi-“

“You should go celebrate, with Yuzu.”

Brian threw him a look:

“Celebrate? Yuzu is probably image training for the gala exhibition.”

That made Javier smile, just barely.

“But if you want me to go, I’ll go”, Brian said, even though it hurt him inside to leave.

Javier sighed deeply.

“I don’t want you to go. You make everything better for me. Stay with me tonight, Bri?”

Brian blinked repeatedly, wondering if he had misheard.

“You want me to....”

“Yeah. Please stay with me,” Javier confirmed his plea, in a small voice.

“I don’t know if that’s appropriate.”

“It’s not. But I don’t care anymore. Can’t find it in me to care. I just need some comfort.”

Brian was silent, watching as the corners of Javier’s mouth turned down and the light in his eyes dimmed.

_He should never look like this,_ Brian decided, not on my watch. _I feel I’ve seen him sad enough to last me a lifetime._

“Of course, Javi. I’ll stay with you tonight.”

 

Brian gathered his things, and went to Javier’s room, his heart beating like a schoolboy with a crush.

There was something heated in Brian’s gaze, as they lay down together, which made Javier stumble on his words:

“I  think....I just want....”

“Shh”, Brian silenced him. “It’s okay. I know what you want. And you don’t have to be afraid. I’ll just hold you.”

Javier nodded, gratefully.

Brian had initially imagined this was going to be torture, but he realized he was too tired to feel the pangs of arousal brought on by the close proximity of a beautiful man in his arms. Too tired and too filled with a need to selflessly give instead of take. And Javier deserved so much. If you asked Brian, Javier deserved everything. 

So Brian just embraced him closely, as they lay down together, under the same coverlet.

It felt to him like the least he could do.

Late, towards morning, when Javier’s laboured breaths turned to the even, rhythmical breathing of the fast-asleep, Brian finally felt absolved of a great sin, and he cried quietly, still holding Javi close.

 

~

“Perhaps you should talk to him, Trace. I don’t know, sometimes I have the feeling I’m doing him more bad than good. I yell at him and he yells back and he gets angry and then he gets sad and ends up crying and then _I_ cry too, and it’s all a mess, and _so_ not helping anybody.”

“Maybe don’t yell at him, then?” Tracy said, brightly.

“Ah, that’s easy to say. He drives me up the walls sometimes.”

“What makes you think he wouldn’t drive _me_ up the walls, too?”

“Well....”, Brian considered. “If he does, then feel free to yell at him, but I doubt he’ll fall into the same pattern with you as he does with me _-“_

“I don’t wanna yell”, Tracy interjected, shaking her head.

“Maybe what he needs right now is someone more gentle than me. Maybe I put too much pressure on him. I don’t know.”

“Bri, since when are you doubting yourself?” Tracy asked. “You’ve had so many students, some of them really difficult, but I’ve never seen you so out of sorts, so....involved.”

Brian stopped abruptly, dreading Tracy’s next words. She knew him too well. Tracy came close to him and rubbed his shoulder gently.

“You’re getting waay too involved, Bri.”

Oh, the things she didn’t say, but must have inevitably been thinking them...

“I’m not _involved_ ”, he protested weakly. “I’m merely interesting in the well-being of one of my best students.”

“You know what, you’re right. Maybe it is a good idea that I spend some time with Javi. Leave him to me for a while. Step back a little.”

 “I.... I can’t wash my hands entirely of him, Tracy”, Brian stumbled to say. This wasn’t exactly what he wanted. “The Spanish Federation won’t be very pleased...”

“No, of course I don’t mean entirely, Brian. It’s okay. It’s gonna be fine, you’ll see.”

She smiled encouragingly up at him.

 

~

“Why is Javi avoiding me?” Yuzuru asked Brian one morning.

Brian looked up, startled. He did indeed notice there was something missing when it came to Yuzuru and Javier’s normally very friendly interactions. Javier was keeping back, withdrawn into himself, but then again he was overall withdrawn and less playful. After Brian’s talk with Tracy, she had taken over some of Javier’s practices, and it seemed that Javier was reacting positively to her bright, motherly attitude. His practices with Brian were still a little strained, but Brian was hoping things would get better as time went by. He sighed, as he realized Yuzuru was still patiently expecting an answer to his question. Of course he could play clueless and pretend everything was fine, but would that really help anyone? Brian cleared his throat.

“Uh – I assume it has to do with Javi finishing off the podium at the Olympics. Don’t get it wrong, Javi is very happy for you, and you know that. But he’s also very frustrated I guess. So he needs some space.”

Yuzuru nodded in understanding, but also kicked at the ice morosely.

“If you want, I can give you two separate training time....”

“Don’t want separate training!” Yuzuru interrupted. “Just want Javi back.”

“I know”, Brian sighed again. “You just have to be patient and give Javi some time. He’s been acting strange to me as well, I don’t know if you noticed...”

“I noticed. You scream and cry at each other all the time. Hard not to notice.”

“Right”, Brian said, and immediately felt guilty. But Yuzuru didn’t sound judgemental, only miserable. “If this is bothering you, or interfering with your own practice-“

Again, Yuzuru didn’t let him finish.

“I just want Javi back”, he repeated. “I want everything to be like before.”

Brian reached out tentatively and ruffled the mop of black hair in front of him.

“Cheer up, Yuzu. Everything will be alright. Javi is going through a rough patch, and we must understand that and love him just the same. Maybe even more. He’ll bounce right back, you’ll see. Javi is strong like that. And then things will be even better than before. _Javi_ will be even better.”

“I want him to do his best, I always want that. His best is absolutely awesome”, Yuzuru reminisced.

Brian grinned back:

“It is, isn’t it? Oh boy. Yeah.”

Yuzuru smiled as well, having perked up a little. He suddenly seemed to realize he was wasting ice time and nodded to Brian, then skated off. Brian felt strangely light-hearted. The conversation he had been dreading turned out to put him in a good mood. It was comforting that he wasn’t the only one worrying about Javier, and he found he believed the things he told Yuzuru – Javi would be alright, he’ll somehow be even better.

 

~

“...Javi.”

“Bri?”

“Don’t ‘Bri’ me. Stop and turn around when I’m talking to you.”

Javier made an abrupt turn and skated towards Brian.

“Yeah?” he asked. “What is it now?” he asked a bit petulantly.

Sometimes, Brian’s palms were really itching to slap Javi on that fine ass of his, if only to replace his studied contrariness with an honest shocked reaction. Well, he could shock him without touching him.

“What are your plans for the Olympics?” Brian asked shortly, brusquely, with no introduction.

Javier’s eyes widened comically and his face fell slightly – Brian felt childishly gratified at the reaction.

“Well?” he prompted, feigning impatience. “Do tell, I’m waiting.”

“Did Yuzu-”, Javier started.

“Yuzu already told me his plans, it’s gold medal or bust. However, let me worry about him. Now I’m asking you.”

“I too, want to win, Brian. I want so much....I can’t stand losing again, I _can’t_ – I’m gonna die if I lose, I’ll die of shame. There’s only so much that a man can take...”

Brian clasped his hand fiercely.

“I’ll get you there, my boy. I promise you, I’ll get you there this time. Trust me, Javi. Do you trust me?” he searched his student’s eyes carefully.

“I trust you, Brian”, Javier said. “I just don’t know if I trust myself”, he added on a small voice.

“I’ll trust you enough for the both of us, then. I’ll make it happen with the sheer force of my trust in you. God and reality will have no choice but to bend to my unshakeable confidence that you will get that Olympic medal, Javi”, Brian declared hotly, and Javier laughed.

“You’re crazy, Brian.”

“Tell me I’m crazy when you stand on the podium”, Brian went on, undisturbed. “You and Yuzu, you’re gonna be standing next to each other up there this time, I won’t accept a reality where this doesn’t happen.”

“It would be beautiful”, Javier smiled shakily.

“And I’ll look at you and feel so proud. As proud as I’m feeling right now, watching you look at me like this, with trusting eyes, like I could give you the world, not just a medal. You’re making me feel like I could do that, Javi. Or at least I want to try.”

“Just an Olympic medal would be fine, Bri”, Javier laughed softly. “And...I love you, too.”

 

~

Brian lay on a hospital bed and watched as both of his top students crashed and burned in their race to the Grand Prix Final. He knew it would’ve been too easy to blame just his absence. Javier and Yuzuru were both left in capable hands. Maybe it was the pressure, the nerves, maybe it was simply bad luck.

He was very concerned for Yuzuru, but for Javier he was only mildly upset, since he appeared to be injury-free, and he knew there were bigger fish to fry this season. Still, he couldn’t help taunting him, a little cruelly:

“Sixth place in China, Javi? Really? Are you going backwards like a crab this year?”

“I’m sorry. I messed up. I got first at IDF but now I won’t make the Final. It was just strange, the first time not being there with you.”

“Gosh, Javi. Do you always need me there to hold your hand?” Brian said, fondly but with some exasperation.

He was still weak and tired after his long stay in hospital, and not in the mood to mother hen his student this time.

Javier flinched at the perceived accusation, but to Brian’s surprise, he didn’t make light of it, nor did he hold a pity party. His eyes lit up in challenge, and he met Brian’s eye levelly.

“No”, he said proudly. “It was just bad luck. It will not happen again.”

 

~

“I could never be like you, Brian”, Javier smiled sadly, and Brian suddenly remembered their similar conversation, a long time ago.

“What?” he asked, needlessly.

Javier looked up at him, a familiar look of dejection twisting his handsome features:

“You had two silvers at the Olympics. I only managed a poor bronze...”

“Fuck those silvers!” Brian interjected hotly. “I could’ve hung myself with them! Hated, hated that goddamn—“

Javier fell silent, startled by his uncharacteristic outburst. The whiskey was probably to blame, Brian reflected. He dared a furtive look at Javier.

“And now you’re looking at me with those eyes and I just can’t take it anymore. God, Javi...”

“I’m sorry, Bri, I don’t know why I said that, forget about it, I was being silly!”

“Gosh, no, it’s not your fault, none of it is your fault, my boy. You have achieved so much, you should be proud.”

“So did you”, Javier interjected.

“This shouldn’t be a night for regrets”, Brian went on. “It should be one for celebrating. You deserve everything good that comes your way, Javi, and you did deserve the silver here, by the way. But now is not the time for bitterness.”

Javier smiled nervously.

“Life isn’t fair, is it?” he dared to say.

“Life is what we make of it”, Brian countered, and reached out his hand, tentatively caressing the outline of Javier’s face.

Javier merely closed his eyes in contentment.

Brian’s fingers descended slowly to Javier’s neck and collarbone, in a caress of infinite gentleness but definite intent.

“You know you-“

“I wish I could-“

They both spoke at the same time, and then chuckled, awkwardly. Javier cleared his throat and tried again:

“We could make it like a tradition, to spend the night together at the Olympics.”

“I thought it already was”, Brian said, quietly.

“No one even cares what happens during Olympics. It’s like everyone is riding a high, or a low, doing things they wouldn’t normally be doing, trying to live life to the fullest.” Javier spoke fast, fidgeting nervously.

“Don’t be afraid”, Brian said calmly, and pulled him closer. “I’m gonna take good care of you. I’m gonna worship you like I’ve been meaning to, all these years. If you’ll let me.”

“I _want_ it. I know it’s wrong, but just for once, I want to be wrong and enjoy it.”

“It’s more than wrong”, Brian whispered. “It’s _scandalous_.” And he kissed Javier, hot and slow, with a thorough patience, Javier’s all but desperate moans echoing in his ears. Some time later, Brian gave in, and allowed the kiss to turn as demanding and frantic as Javier wanted it, their tongues battling for dominance as they stole from each other what they craved.

Brian gripped Javier closer as he broke away to press kisses down his jaw, along his collarbone, unzipping Javier’s Team Spain jacket along the way. He lingered at the collar, sucking slightly on the exposed skin, not enough to leave a mark, but enough to make Javier feel it. Hearing Javier’s broken sigh was nearly enough to snap the remainder of his self control, he needed to have that beautiful body naked under his hands.

When he finally got his hands on Javier’s cock, Brian was almost cross-eyed with lust, panting like he’d run a marathon. Javier wasn’t faring any better. He arched up into Brian’s touch, hands scrambling to grip, to urge on, to dictate his own desired rhythm. Brian didn’t let him. He curled the fingers of his free hand on Javier’s wrist and pinned it, firmly but gently, to the covers of the bed. The pace Brian set was slow and steady, dragging them both deeper and deeper into a dizzying spell of sensual indulgence. Javier looked down at him, his eyes all pupil and dark, shirt bunched up around his armpits, and Brian leaned up and lazily mouthed around one nipple, as he increased the rhythm just a little. Suddenly all Brian wanted was to go down on Javier, but from Javier’s broken moans, it seemed that Javier was already very close. Brian sped up his strokes, watching Javier’s face avidly, and licking his lips in anticipation of seeing how he looked like when he came. He did not have long to wait – soon Javier gave one last strangled groan and pumped hard into Brian’s hand, once, twice, three times – and then he was coming, mouth falling open, his vision going glassy, nails digging into Brian’s arms.

“God”, Brian whispered, shakily. “ _Fuck.”_ Because he realized that the steady pressure of Javier’s thigh on his own cock was probably all he needed to come just as messily, after having done and witnessed _all that_. But as it turned out, he didn’t have to, because Javier blinked his eyes open lazily, and Brian’s state becoming fast apparent to him, was quick to handle the issue himself.

“I’m close”, Brian tried to warn, as if it wasn’t painfully obvious.

But there was no hesitation on Javier’s part as he rubbed Brian’s cock vigorously, his grip around the twitching girth just perfect. Brian came hard, falling back on the bed, almost blacking out with the earthshattering intensity of the experience.

“This can’t happen again”, Brian said, with a quiet, sad certainty, after he had got his breath and his wits back.

Javier turned with a heavy sigh and stared at the ceiling.

“No. I guess it can’t.”

 

~

They were back in Toronto. The hottest summer of their lives was slowly edging to a close, and both felt like their time together would narrow down from now on to strips of stolen moments.

 “So this is your last time here?” Brian said, trying to sound casual, leaning against the boards.

“...I don’t know,” Javier said, shuffling his feet, looking just as uneasy as Brian felt.

“You know, a guy I greatly admire said something wise that fits in this situation. Wanna hear it?”

“I always wanna hear what you have to say, Brian,” Javier said, only half teasingly.

“Then listen up: The biggest issue for us athletes is that we spend a third of our lives not preparing for the next two-thirds. And then one day, inevitably, our entire way of life comes to an end, and it feels like a kind of death.”

Javier was quiet, as he digested that.

“It sounds dramatic, sure. But I can see that he’s right. It’s how I feel, as well”, he finally confessed. “Did this wise friend of yours give any advice on how to handle it?”

“Not really”, Brian shrugged. “He just said we all have to go through it and figure it out.”

“Well, you’ve went through it, Brian – and did wonderfully”, Javier said, smiling sheepishly. “I wish I had your flair, and your confidence, but-“

“No, enough self-deprecation, Javi. Soon you won’t be my student anymore, so our friendship will be all we have. I can tell you honestly now: You’re a talented, intelligent man, with a charming personality, and you can do anything if you only put your mind to it, and some good honest effort. The world is open to you – it’s not a void you see out there, it’s freedom. Letting go is hard, I know; letting go of the familiar is the hardest. But it needs to be done eventually.”

Javier nodded.

“I guess you were right when you said me and Yuzu are like kids moving back in with their parents after graduating.”

Brian smiled, and continued the thought:

“And if needs be, I’ll give you both the big push out the door, out there into the real world. It’s waiting for you. Two thirds of your life are waiting.”

“Yeah”, Javier took it up, smiling lopsidedly. “Yeah, I guess we should move on, huh.”

“Jokes aside, Javi – you are and will always be welcome here. You’re welcome as a skater, as a coach, as a consultant, as a friend... as anything and everything you wanna be. As long as I’m around.”

Brian’s eyes felt misty and he blinked, willing himself not to cry. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t, that he would be strong and not make their farewell weird. Then later, when he’d get a moment to himself, he’d deal with the inevitable pain.

He was about to turn away, signalling the end of their conversation, when he felt more than he saw Javier launching himself into his arms, hugging him tightly, but with the same intimate gentleness that coloured all their interactions, his hand lingering on the back of Brian’s neck, face pressed against Brian’s own. Brian wrapped his arms around Javi and they held each other silently. The zamboni came and went, making the ice pristine again for skating, and still they held each other, reluctant to let go, because letting go felt like parting.

 

~

Brian took off his Team Spain jacket. He brushed his fingers against the well-worn fabric absentmindedly. There was a time when the material had felt abrasive to touch, and uncomfortable to wear, in the way a new thing feels uncomfortable – too tight or too loose, too foreign. It had been eight years since then. Now the jacket felt like a second skin - he was so comfortable with it, sometimes he even forgot he was wearing it. Fragments of a long-forgotten song came unbidden to his mind, as Brian placed the jacket carefully on a coat hanger in his private locker, and shut the door gently but firmly on the memories.

**Author's Note:**

> The song which Brian sings along to at the beginning is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUX5BAlzVJo  
> I can’t believe there already wasn’t a relationship tag for these two o_O


End file.
